My Problem Is I Can't Take Criticism

• 2-minute read •
I have a reasonably good job and a decent career path but I have one problem.
My manager Al told me “You do a great job, but you give me no opportunity at all to coach you, and that’s a problem. I find it hard to share feedback with you. You can’t take criticism.”
To be honest Al is right. I work hard and I get a lot of praise for my work but I have almost no tolerance for negative feedback. I am honest with Al about it. I don’t know if it’s a character flaw but that’s how I am.

I told him “I respect you, but my first reaction when you criticize my work is to defend myself. Sometimes when I think about it later, I agree with your feedback, and sometimes I don’t. I would be happy to work on getting better at accepting feedback. If you have suggestions, let me know.”

He said “I don’t know exactly what to tell you. I’m not an expert on that, but I need you to be more open to my input, even when it is critical. When I have feedback to share with you, I need you to accept it.”

I have mixed emotions. Maybe this is a sign that I should open my own agency. Maybe I’m too defensive. I have taken a lot of unfair criticism in the past and maybe I’m too sensitive. What do you think should I do?

My first bit of advice for you is to get altitude on this dilemma. Rise above the immediate roadblock to ask “Why did this taking-feedback issue arise right now? What is the message for me? What am I supposed to learn from this experience?”

Al must be frustrated that he can’t connect with you. When there is a high level of trust, collaboration is fun. If you trust Al to give you feedback that will make your work even more amazing and gratifying, then you’ve got a great partnership. Now is the perfect time to look at your role and your relationship with Al in the context of your career.

As in any relationship, you have the ability to choose whether to stick around or leave. If you keep your job working for Al, then it’s reasonable for him to assume you’re willing to collaborate. It’s reasonable for him to assume you will listen to him and give his opinions the weight they deserve.
When we feel stuck or frustrated or fearful at work, it’s often a sign that something in our life has shifted and we need to adjust accordingly. Maybe it is time for you to open your own agency.

Even if you decide that your own business is your next, best career move, you may want to stay at your current job in order to make plans for your agency’s launch and to learn how to accept feedback graciously!

When you launch your agency, clients will have critical feedback too. Why not grow the muscles now that you’ll need when you’re running your own shop?

Don’t think of Al’s remark ”Say, you don’t take feedback very well!” as a rebuke. If Al didn’t value your participation on the team, he wouldn’t bother trying to coach you.

Take Al’s observation as the uncomplicated gift it is.

Don’t ponder the question of why you are feedback-averse. Don’t analyze the problem. Do the opposite — listen to your body. Ask yourself “How do I feel when Al begins to criticize me?”

You probably feel like you are under attack in those moments. Your heart may race. Everyone has been there. Once you are aware of the way your body reacts to negative feedback, you can observe and eventually calm those feelings rather than be controlled by them.

You can teach yourself a new procedure, one that I like for taking feedback when it is especially hard to be gracious and open.

That can happen when you don’t respect your manager, when there is tension between the two of you or when you feel unfairly attacked. You still have to listen to the feedback and you can’t freak out and dispute every point.

You have to find a way to be throughout the conversation, even if you would rather be anywhere else.

Here’s what I recommend. Get a nice, unused notebook and a pen you like to write with. Bring those tools to the meeting where your boss is going to give you feedback that may be difficult to hear. Write down everything your boss tells you.

Give yourself two ground rules:

I will not argue with my boss in this conversation, not even once. I will keep breathing. If my boss pushes me for agreement on a point I can’t honestly agree with, I will say “Thank you for that comment. I want to give you a thoughtful answer on that, so I will definitely think about it and then we can talk.”
No matter what happens in the conversation, I will keep listening. If I feel stressed, angry or defensive I will write in my notebook. I will record what my boss says. That will give me a focus and help me remember that the purpose of the meeting is not to defend myself, but to listen and breathe.
Days after your next meeting with Al you may have an “Aha!” about one of his comments. You may see that Al gave you a gem of an idea in his feedback.

That’s what the gift of time can give you. You will get mastery over the art of accepting feedback when you practice it like any other art. Imagine how mighty you will be then!

Pass this advice to your friends. Share with them.